We are a specie that, by our nature, cooperate and collaborate - it is built into our genes. Mark Solms, a psychoanalyst and neuropsychologist, explains that, just as we have a fight/flight response in our brains for our protection, our brains also have instinctual dispositions that are pro-social - there to ensure we build connections with others. Those pro-social instincts include attachment bonding, nurturing, and, perhaps surprisingly, play.
Prosocial instincts are built into our brains because, as human beings, we need the help of others to survive and flourish, not only in childhood but also as adults. We have long known that infants will die if they are not picked up and cuddled, regardless of how well-fed they are. Adults also have a physiological need for caring and compassion. For example, a nurse touching their hand will lower the blood pressure of adults when they are in stressful situations, such as a relative in a hospital waiting room. Likewise, having a colleague or friend express concern when they see we are troubled decreases our release of cortisol, the chemical our adrenal glands produce that increases blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension and slams our digestion to a halt. How amazing that experiencing a heartfelt connection with another reduces the release of harmful cortisol! These pro-social instincts of attachment bonding and nurturing are not just that “I want to be looked after and cared for” but also “I want to look after and care for others.” Our brains are hard-wired for both giving and receiving compassion.
Given that we spend a significant part of our lives within a work environment, it is vitally important that our work environment provides us opportunities for the attachment bonding that Solms tells us we require. Or in layperson's terms, we need to feel valued, cared for, and appreciated in our workplaces, whether that work is online, in an office, a hospital, a call center, or preparing and serving food.
The US Surgeon General Report, released in 2022, calls attention to the health issues resulting from workplace stress. “Stress can increase one’s vulnerability to infection, the risk for diabetes, and the risk for other chronic health conditions. The report lists five essentials for workplace mental health and well-being, one of which is Connection and Community. It explains the first task for organizations is to create cultures of inclusion and belonging. “Belonging is the feeling of being an accepted member of a group, or of connectedness given one’s interpersonal relationships. Prosocial behavior promotes positive social relationships through welcoming, helping, and reassuring others.”
In his book “Dying for a Paycheck,” written before the pandemic, Pfeffer documents the health consequences of not experiencing attachment bonding in our workplaces. Among other statistics he reports are that 28,000 deaths yearly are due to stress from overwork, lack of job control, and the absence of social support in the workplace. He says, “For men, prolonged exposure to work-related stress has been linked to an increased likelihood of lung, colon, rectal, and stomach cancer and non-Hodgkin lymphoma.” “The American Institute of Stress reported that a staggering 80 percent of Americans experience regular stress at work.”
In our attempt to be effective and efficient in organizations, we have bound up our conversation with each other, limited it, and reduced its power. Too often, we exclude expressions of care and welcome from our vocabulary, viewing them as inappropriate to a work environment and leaving us with only formulaic responses that are empty of warmth and caring.
Teams offer the greatest opportunity for restoring connection in organizations. Teams are small enough that, given the opportunity, members can build warm and loving relationships with each other. But accomplishing that requires setting aside time for team members to learn about each other. The reality is that I can’t support you, or you me, unless we know enough about each other to recognize our mutual needs and gifts. Building relationships requires not just one but repeated interactions between team members. We learn to “know” each other by being in conversation over time. It is, of course, not just the words we say in conversation that builds relationship with another. It is also our tone of voice, our eyes lighting up with warmth, smiles, the level of attention we grant the other, and even the periods of silence while we absorb what another has said rather than rushing to respond with a counter position. We, of course, all know how to do this; it’s just that in too many of our organizations, we think we shouldn’t,
I’ve had the opportunity to work with many organizations where team members visibly care for and support each other. In another post, I might describe many of the “techniques” organizations use to build those relationships among team members. But for now, I just want to illustrate what warm, authentic relationships in a team can look like. The following are quotes from interviews I conducted with the team that Kim Glover leads at TechnipFMC.
Chris (Scotland) -I lost my grandmother a few weeks ago, and every single person sent me messages and not just a message to say, "I'm sorry to hear,” but "how are you today?" And then after the funeral, "How was the funeral?" "How are you feeling?" "Is there anything I can do?" So we're a very close team, even despite the fact that we're thousands of miles away.
Victor (Brazil) - In a session I was running from Brazil, I forgot to set up a specific access for the session. Tom-Erik in Norway and Taras in Russia always joined early. When Tom-Erik, tried to join, he couldn’t get in. Then Taras saw the problem and helped him get in. When everyone was finally online, Tom-Erik said, ‘I had a problem accessing the session because the different technology access wasn’t working.’ He didn’t say, ‘Victor did this the wrong way.’ No, he just shared what happened. For the team, this way of talking is normal. They didn’t attack me. Here in Brazil, these kinds of things are always personal. They would have said, ‘Victor really messed up!’
Brian (Houston) -One thing that we've done on this team is make it feel like a family. Like friends. Because then you're able to really, really start communicating.
Stacy (Houston)- What I really like about this team is we work hard, and we play hard too. We get along with each other. We nurture and support each other. There's a cohesiveness that goes beyond just getting your work done because if you work with someone not knowing anything about them, it's very sterile. When you work with people that you’ve developed a bond with, then when hard issues come up, the communication flows more easily because you have that bond and that relationship.
It’s a strength, not a weakness, to want the teams we work on to express goodwill and support for each other.
I haven’t made any claims in this post that building warm relationships within a team will improve the bottom line. But, I know that’s not the reason for building caring relationships within our teams. The reason is that feeling valued and appreciated helps us all have better lives and live longer.
What would it take for your team to be a place where you feel valued, cared for, appreciated, and cherished?