Have you had the experience of helping another person with a problem and then never hearing whether what you offered was useful? It leaves you a bit empty, doesn’t it? And worse it reduces your inclination to help a second time. What we all want, in return for our help, is just to know that the help was appreciated.
There may be nothing more precious to us in our work life, than the feeling that we matter - that we contribute a unique value and that others recognize that value. I certainly experience that phenomenon each time someone tells me that a blog post I wrote was really helpful. It sends me scurrying back to the computer to write another post. Appreciation is energizing and motivating!
Yet many of us are not fluent in the language of appreciation. There is a nurturing quality to expressing appreciation that we sometimes feel awkward about exhibiting in a work context. If you are willing to try being more appreciative of others, here are some tips that might help you get started.
- Noticing – The first step in being more appreciative is noticing what others are doing; focusing on the ways others are contributing. That contribution might be a way of thinking that offers a different perspective, a story that illustrates an important concept, or an idea that you had not considered before. Appreciation is about the whole person, not just about an achievement or reaching a performance goal. So, noticing a personal characteristic is an important part of appreciation, for example, another’s kindness, consistently meeting commitments, generosity, empathy. People want to feel valued for who they are not just what they do.
- Describing - Having observed another’s contribution, the second step is to describe what you have noticed. The more specific the appreciative comment is, the more positive the impact on the other person. “Thanks” is much less appreciative than describing the way the person was helpful, for example, “Thanks so much for your explanation, I’m much clearer on next steps now.” Or “I really appreciated the trouble you went to by providing not only the names but the contact information for those two experts.” Or “The way you explained customer service in our meeting today really struck a chord with me.”
- Make Space – Neither noticing or describing is doable unless you put away the assumption that you are the only one in the room (or online) with valuable knowledge or understanding about a topic. Even if you are the designated teacher or the online speaker, you are rarely the only one with knowledge that would be useful to others. Everyone listening to you has garnered insights from his or her own experience, whether that experience was successful or not. So, make space for others to offer their thinking. You can’t express appreciation for others unless they have an opportunity to offer their contribution!
- Be authentic – we have all experienced someone saying something positive as a precursor to being critical – the infamous sandwich technique. Or someone who praises us just before asking for a favor. People know when they are being played. Appreciation has to be authentic to be useful. While I was writing this blog, I was tempted to quote research evidence that demonstrated how appreciation could increase productivity. Then I thought again; if I explain being appreciative as transactional, it won’t work. Appreciation only works when it is from the heart.
A Few Ways to Express Appreciation
- If someone in your community posts something you found useful, you can “like” it, but even better you can comment on why that idea was meaningful to you.
- If you have asked a question in a community, you can post what you did as a result of the feedback you received.
- If you are leading a workshop, at the end, you can ask people to form a circle and go around the circle asking each person to say something they learned from another participant. But request that they not say your name as the teacher or presenter, instead to name another participant.
- You can model appreciation in a lecture or presentation, by noting what you liked about a response from a participant or an insightful question.
- John Kellden, Founder of the Conversation Community, says, “add considered, considerate comments on other people’s post.”
- You might create a kudos board displayed in a prominent place in your workplace.
- For birthdays, providing cake and coffee is great, but you could add to it a big poster where colleagues have written appreciative messages about the birthday person.
- Create a kudos page on your organization’s website where people can post comments about someone that has been particularly helpful.
Many years ago, I spent a sabbatical year at the Center for Creative Leadership, as a Research Fellow. When the year was over, the research staff gave me a beautiful, small, silver bowl. It was inscribed with my name and the Center’s logo. What was so thoughtful about the gift was that the bowl was filled with small folded pieces of paper on which each member of the research staff had written a note to me. It was a long time ago, but each time I notice the bowl sitting on my shelf, it brings back the pleasure I felt in being with a group of people who so unreservedly valued me as a colleague. I have treasured the bowl all these years for the generous words written on those small scraps of paper.