My colleague Tom Gilmore and I have had a long-standing interest in the topic of help. Tom works at CFAR, a consulting firm that spun out of Wharton long ago, and has puzzled over the ratio of the amount of help available and the seeming constraints for the party seeking help to metabolize it. We have reflected on key conditions in the relationship, how and why we vest others with the knowledge and authority to help us, and in the so called ‘helping professions’ how do we learn and continuously improve. This is the first in a series of pieces that we want to write on that topic in order to explore the question “Under what conditions is help helpful?” We invite the readers to join us in the exploration of this topic. Add your thinking in the comments section or email us nancydixon@commonknowledge.org or tgilmore@mail.cfar.com. We’re interested in examples, references, and new ways to think about this issue.
We want to begin with experiences of help that were not helpful, whether, who, and how it was detected, to build grounded theory by contrasting cases of unsuccessful help and successful help. In our discussion we have bolded emerging topics. We invite your thinking and references on what will be taken up in subsequent posts.
A case of unsuccessful help from the helpee’s point of view.
I (Nancy) tape record and then study a lot of conversations and I remember one I recorded between Jane and an expert from whom she was seeking information. The expert worked at a Center in a government organization. The Center had developed a new process that had gained a great deal of acclaim and so was often visited by corporations and academics alike. Jane represented a corporation that was interested in finding out enough about the process to determine if it would be useful in their setting. In the conversation I recorded Jane asked a question and the expert started responding - but unfortunately, not to her question. He went on at length, while she kept looking for a place to break in to redirect his answer – but she could never get in. Finally the expert wound down, and as he ended, he asked, “Was that helpful?” to which she replied, “Yes, thank you, it was very helpful.” and proceeded to move on to another topic.
Discussion. One feature of this exchange is the role of gift giving and gratitude in helping. The pull for expressing appreciation, even when not warranted, inhibits learning on both sides. Jane may have missed the opportunity to learn about her skill at presenting succinctly the focal area for assistance. The expert missed an opportunity for feedback on his inquiry skills to clarify the situation. Later I interviewed Jane about their conversation, in referencing that part of the conversation, I asked her why she had responded that his answer was helpful, when he so obviously had not answered what she was trying to find out. Her response was, “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings - or get him started again!” Yet she felt obliged to thank him. In doing so she misdirected him and perhaps increasing the likelihood that he would make a similar lengthy “speech” the next time he had a request for help. She carried the burden of hypocrisy as well not getting the information she wanted. The relationship between Jane and the expert was not reciprocal, or at least not treated as such, so Jane found herself in the role of supplicant.
Here is a case of failed help, even when solicited. Imagine how much more challenging are the dynamics around unsolicited help. We also imagine considerable variation in the bandwidth for authentic exchange depending on the relationship. Would each have responded differently if the relationship had been viewed as reciprocal? Does help take on different characteristics when it is between peers, across an authority, power or expertise difference, within or across systems, etc,
We welcome your cases, especially ones of failure to get us started.
Nancy Dixon and Tom Gilmore
